Euphemisms for Masterbation. Male, some these are funny for Mature ONLY?

Willys cynical thought for the fugging day;





Life is freaking sexually transmitted! I posted the Female already now here's male!





A euphemism is the substitution of an agreeable or inoffensive expression for one that may offend or suggest something unpleasant; also : the expression so substituted.





A


Abusing the usual suspect


Angry fist action


Answer the bone-a-phone


Assault on a friendly weapon





B


Backstroke roulette


Baiting your hook


Ball off


Batting practice


Bash the bishop


Bash the candle


Beat off


Beat your hog


Beating the bait


Beating the bishop


Beating the dummy


Beating the snake


Beating the stick


Beating your meat


Being your own best friend


Belt your hog


Blanket drill, The


Bleed the lizard


Bleed the weed


Blessing the alter boy


Blow Your load


Bludgeon the beefsteak


Bop the baloney


Bop the boa


Bop the hog


Boppin' your bologna


Box the Jesuit


Boxing the clown


Buckin' it


Buffing the banana


Buffing the wood


Burping the worm


Bust a nut


Butter your corn





C


Cajun clown f@cking


Calling down for more mayo


Calling genie


Cast off


Chafing the weasel


Changing your oil


Charm the cobra


Chicken milking


Choking Charlie 'till he throws up


Choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come


Choke Kojak


Choke the bishop


Choke the chicken


Cleaning out the rope


Cleaning the pipes


Cleaning the rifle


Clubbing Eddy


Clubbing the dolphin


Coax the cajones


Coming to grips with yourself


Couch hockey for one


Cough your filthy yogurt


Cracking one off


Cracking the fat


Crank the Shank


Cranking


Creaming the banana


Crown the king


Cuff the carrot


Cuff the governor


Cuffing the puppy





D


Date Rosey Palm and her five daughters


Dating Miss Michigan


Detoxifying the puppy


Devil's handshake


Diddle yourself


Dishonorable discharge


Doing the knuckle shuffle on your piss pump


Dong flogging


Doodle your noodle


Drain the dragon


Drain the monster


Drain the vein


Drip the pickle


Drop off a load


Drubbing the dolphin





E


Eberting Siskel





F


Fapping


Fertilizing the Lawn


Fetch the bagel dog


Fiddle the ferret


Fight your turkey


Firm your worm


Fist f@ck


Fist kabobing


Fist your mister


Five against one


Five finger knuckle shuffle


Five knuckle olympics


Flog yourself


Flogging the bishop


Flogging the dolphin


Flogging your dong


Flogging your log


Flong your dong


Flute solo


Flying a kite


Fondle the fig


Freeing the willies


Friction therapy


Frig yourself


Frigging the love muscle


F@ck Mary Fist





G


Gallop the antelope


Get a hold of yourself


Get your nuts off


Getting in touch with your manhood


Getting in touch with yourself


Getting to know yourself


Getting your caps peeled


Gherkin jerkin'


Giving it a tug


Giving oneself a "low-five"


Giving the John Hancock


Grease the pipe


Greasing your bone


Grip your dip


Grooming your junior





H


Hack the hog


Ham shank


Hand dancing


Hand jive


Hand job


Handle yourself


Hands on training


Hand to gland combat


Hand to hand combat with the purple helmeted warrior


Hand work


Having a pull


Having a roy


Have it off


Have one off the wrist


Heating up the hot dog


Hitchhike under the big top


Hitching to Heaven


Hit the ham


Holding all the cards


Holding your sausage hostage


Hone your bone


Hump your fist


Hump your hose


Humpin' air





I


Interrogating the witness


Ironing some wrinkles





J


Jack hammer


Jack off


Jackin'


Jackin' the beanstalk


Jag off


Jazz yourself


Jerk off


Jerk the gherkin


Jerk the Johnson


Jibbin'


Jiggle the jewelry


Jimmying your Joey


Juggling the javelin





K


Keep the census down


Kick one out


Killing kittens


Killing the beast


Knock the top off


Knuckle shuffle





L


Launching the hand shuttle


Leakin' the main drain


Living by the fat of the hand


Lizard milking


Loping your mule


Lynching the one-eyed monster





M


Makin' gravy for the biscuit


Making the bald guy puke


Making nut butter


Making yogurt


Mangle the midget


Manipulate the mango


Manual exercise


Manual override


Manual pollution


Masonic secret self handshake


Massage the muscle


Massage the purple-headed warrior


Menage a moi


Milking the bull


Milking the lizard


Milking the monkey


Milkywaying


Molding hot plastic


Muscling up





N


Nerk your throbber





O


Oil the glove


Oiling the pogo stick


Onanism


One handed clapping


One handed humpty hump love pump, The


One handed rodeo, The


One-legged race, The


One man show


One man tug-o-war


One man wrestling


One man's game





P


Pack your palm


Paddle the pickle


Paint the pickle


Paint the walls


Pat the Robertson


Peel the banana


Peel the carrot


Peter beater


Petting the dog


Playing with D*ck


Playing with Susie Palm and her five friends


Playing with the noodle


Play pocket pool


Play the organ


Play the pisser


Play the p*ss pipe


Play the skin flute


Play the stand-up organ


Playing with the snake


Playing your instrument


Play with yourself


Plunk your twanger


Pocket pinball


Pocket pool


Pokin' the palm


Polish the bishop


Polish the chrome dome


Polish the helmet


Polish the rocket


Polish the sword


Polish your bayonet


Polish your helmet


Polish your piece


Polishing the banister


Polishing the cue stick


Popping the porpoise


Pound off


Pound your flounder


Pound your p*ss pump


Pound your pomegranate


Pounding your pud


Preemptive infanticide


Private arm exercise


Prod the peepee


Promoting carpal-tunnel syndrome


Pudwhacking


Pud wrestling


Pull the root


Pull off


Pull your pud


Pull your pudding


Pull yourself off


Pulling the goalie


Pulling the p*ss pump


Pulling the pole


Pulling the pope


Pulling the pud


Pulling the taffy


Pulling the wire


Pulling your pickle


Pump your pickle


Pumping for pleasure


Pumping for power


Pumping the python


Pumping your gas at self-service island


Punchin' the clown


Punchin' the munchkin


Punishing Percy


Punishing the bishop


Punishing the priest


Punishing the Evil Merchant





Q


[none]





R


Ram the ham


Releasing the hostages


Ricky boxing


Ride the great white knuckler


Ringing the bell


Rolling the fleshy blunt


Roman helmet rhumba


Ropin' the long horn


Rope the pony


Roughing up the suspect


Rounding up the tadpoles


Rub off


Rub one out


Rub the unicorn's horn


Rubbing Peter to pay Paula


Run off a batch





S


Saluting the general


Sanding the main mast


Shaking hands with the unemployed


Shlackin' the glacknoid


Scraping the carrot


Scratching the itch


Seasoning your meat


Self-love


Sending out the troops


Setting sail with Captain Thumb on the USS Hand


Sex with your best friend


Shag off


Shaking hands with Abe Lincoln


Shaking hands with shorty


Shaking hands with the governor


Shaking hands with the unemployed


Shake the snake


Shaking the tree


Shifting gears


Shine your pole


Shining the helmet


Shining the torpedo


Shooting enemies


Shooting practice


Shooting putty at the moon


Shooting Sherman


Shooting without scoring


Shower spank


Shucking Bubba


Shucking the corn


Simple infanticide


Slam the hammer


Slammin' the salami


Slappin' pappy


Slapping the clown


Slapping Uncle Willy


Slap boxing the one-eyed champ


Slap my happy sacs


Slap the salami


Slapping the cyclops


Slapping your chub


Slinging jelly


Sloppy Joe's last stand


Sloppy sign language


Smacking the snake


Smite the dragon


Snap the monkey


Snap the whip


Snapping your carrot


Solitary sin, The


Spank the frank


Spank your monkey


Spear chucking


Spit-shine the purple helmet


Splurtin' the spladder bladder


Spreading the mayo


Spunk the monk


Squeeze the cream from the flesh twinkie


Squeeze the lemon


Squeezing the tube of toothpaste


Squeezing the burrito


Stall clapping


Stir the soup


Strangling the snake


Strangling the Wonka


Stroke off


Stroke the stallion


Stroke your poke


Stroking it


Stroking your goat


Stroke your poker





T


Tadpole rodeo, The


Taking a core sample


Taking a shake break


Taking advantage of yourself


Taking Herman to the circus


Taking Little Johnny dancing down at Knuckle Junction


Tame the wild hog


Taming of the shrew, The


Tap the turkey


Tease one out


Tease the python


Tease the weasel


Tenderize the meat


Tethering the blimp


The erky jerk


The sticky page rhumba


Threading a needle


Throttle the bottle


Throw off a catch


Throwin' down


Thump the pump


Tickle the Elmo


Tickle the pickle


Tickle your goodfoot


Toss off


Toss the boss


Toss the midget


Toss the turkey


Touch off a batch of orphans


Tugging the tapioca tube


Tugging the tubesteak


Tug of war with cyclops


Tuning the antenna


Turning on the ivory faucet


Tussle with your muscle


Twang your wire


Tweek





U


Uncorking the champagne


Unwrapping the pepperoni





V


Varnishing the cane


Vinegar stroke





W


Wailing


Waking up your bro


Walking the dog


Walking Willie the one-eyed wonder worm


Wang whacking


W#nk(ing)


W#nk the Willy Wonka


Wanking the crank


Waxing the dolphin


Wax your Jackson


Wax your weasel


Wax your Willy


Whack the bag


Whack off


Whack your tack


Whacking the weed


Whapping your wang


Whip the cummy


Whip your cripper


Whipping the one-eyed wonder weasel


Whipping the pony


Whipping the window washer


Whipping up a batch


White water wristing


Whizzin' J*zz


Wiggling your worm


Willy tickle


Winding the Jack In The Box


Wing it


Wonk your conker


Work one out


Working a cramp out of your muscle


Working your willy


Wrestling Jimmy


Wrestling the bald-headed champ


Wrestling the bald-headed sumo


Wrestling the eel


Wring out your rope


Wring your thing


Wringing 'round the rosie


Wrist aerobics





X


[none]





Y


Yahtzee


Yank my doodle dandy


Yank off


Yank the yodel


Yank your crank


Yank your yam





Z


Zipper surfing





http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblu...

Euphemisms for Masterbation. Male, some these are funny for Mature ONLY?
Whew!! Mercy! LOL. LOL. TMI. LOL.
Reply:SOTP, DO NOT WANT!!! and TL;DR kthx. Report It

Reply:Dude, you have way too much time on your hands, oh thats one too haha.
Reply:Too long just like my schlong!
Reply:with all that wanking I'd bet he's got more than just time on his hands.

Laguna Beach Season 3. Nothing but drama?

I saw the season premeire of season 3 last night. Their was drama in the first episode already. I thought that L.C's sister was going to be the narrator. And what is wrong with Jessica dating a junior in high school? But I love season 2 the best. Do you guys think with a whole new cast their would be more damage and more drama than the last two seasons cast?

Laguna Beach Season 3. Nothing but drama?
with a new cats in there, i decided i probably wouldn't try and catch the episodes, if they're on, they're on. just having a new cast i think might have killed the show. from what i saw, they are nothing like the recent graduates. they all seem very childish too.
Reply:Ya i saw it to but season 2 is still my favorite!%26gt;..i dont like tessa and shes the narrorator so its kinda annoying
Reply:Yeah, I saw the premiere, it was good, I don't know, last season was friggin great. I know its was only the first episode but, it seems fake. I think this new cast is laying it on "thick" trying to be more "dramatic". I guess we'll have to see. By the way, there's nothing wrong with Jessica, how dare you!(just kidding) I thought it was a little weird her still hanging out. As much as I loved the last two season's I think I watch the show kinda like looking at a car accident. For crying out loud. I grew up in the O.C. and trust me that isn't the "real orange county". Not everybody gets to live that life of luxury and privilege Trust me, there's more of "us" than there are of them. But hey who wants to watch "regular people" living. Not me. Show me some good looking pre-madonna's and start filming, I kinda feel sorry for them. what a waste of time and energy to be wasted on piddly drama. I really shouldn't talk, I waste my time watching the crap...I don't know...cya
Reply:I think Season 2 is gunna be the best season of Laguna Beach. I thought LB3 premire was okay, it wasnt one of the best premires that Laguna Beach has had before.
Reply:that cast sucks...they are wayy too bitchy nd its annoying just hearing them diss all the damn time.
Reply:I absolutly love Tessa...She is so cool. Cami on the otherhand has got to go. What a *****!!! She thinks she is all that and she can do what she wants when she wants to who she wants....I don't think so hun...life's gonna suck for you in the real world when you can't do that kinda ****...Anyways I still like the 2nd season best so far but I've only seen one episose so we'll have to see!!!
Reply:No way, no one could beat that. I thought that too, but they put the other girl.And Jessica with Cameron was a little weird. To tell you the truth I like the old cast better!
Reply:the girls on that show are not that hot they are all make up whores 2 of them im on the line of if i would even hit it

credit cards

Do I have a legal case? (please assist me)?

Last October (2006) I got into a real bad car accident on the freeway (car totaled) I wasnt offered an ambulance but i went to the emergency anyway.. turns out I had bruised muscle around my spine and x rays showed a "break in the bone" quote the doctor (not a fracture) but "a break" on my left hand. I wasn't provided a cast but a cheap strap on brace??? How the heck can the doctor give me a brace when i had a "break in the bone" on the top of my hand? I was on vicodin and IbProfin b/c the break was so painful and my hand was as big as a balloon. So the brace didnt even keep the top of my hand tight and gave me slack to move the bone... Everyone told me i needed a real cast. Now 8 months later i get pains at night and my bone pops in and out of place and it hurts alot b/c I dont think it healed correctly. Do i have a case? Shouldnt i have gotten a real cast from this cheap health care? Also i live in a not so friendly neighborhood in los angeles and it took me like 6 hours to be seen.

Do I have a legal case? (please assist me)?
Yes you do. Look up any prominent personal injury attorney. Give them ALL the facts and just sit back they will be happy to get you a lot of money (of which they will take a fair share).
Reply:what did the insurance company say, and why have you waited till now to bring this up. a lawyer at the time of accident would have answered all your questions
Reply:It seems like you do have a case, depending on the details. Initial consultations with lawyers are usually free, so it wouldn't hurt to make an appointment with one and get a definite answer.
Reply:why didn't you talk to a lawyer the next day???
Reply:NO ONE, not even an attorney, can give you an answer to this question without a consulting physician's report regarding the course of action of the first physican and the resulting treatment plan.





and that is what I would advise if you were in my law office.
Reply:no you do not, and if anyone tells you that you do, they don't know what they are talking about.
Reply:I think you do... Seems like your hand is long term damage if the bone "pops out of place" and still gives you night pains.

Is It Still Broken?

About 3-4 weeks ago I got a cast off for my "non displaced distal radius fracture". I only had to wear the cast for 3 weeks. Ever since I got the cast off I've been playing basketball. It took me a couple of days to be able to shoot the ball again (b/c I broke my dominant hand). After a week or so it felt like it was almost back to normal, except from the pain from the scar tissue. My only concern is that there is still a small sensation of pain every time I shoot the ball, and I would think that I would no longer have pain seeing that I have had the cast off for a long amount of time. I didnt get an X-ray after getting the cast off, so I dont know how it healed up. Do you think this is normal, or could it be permanently like this?

Is It Still Broken?
You didn't use the hand for at least 3 wks. Now you're back on the court. Muscles and ligaments have probably atrophied. Now that you're using them again, they aren't used to that activity. Every time you shoot a shot, you are rehabing your hand. Do you play every day ? At this point I wouldn't since the body needs time to heal what is hurting. 2 to 3 times a week might be right.





Give it a week. If the pain is still there, it is possible that something went wrong with your operation. So go revisit the doc. I doubt the pain will be permanent. The pain may merely be giving you a signal that you are healing.





One thing that should be good news - when a body breaks, it usually heals stronger than it was. Good luck.
Reply:It may take a month or so for the pain to completely dissapate. When i fractured my wrist it took about a month for it to feel 100%. And i had to wear a cast for 6 weeks so your should heal up in a couple of weeks or so.
Reply:it could take longer for it to fully heal.
Reply:No, you might die in 7 days. lol

brandon flowers

Since the 23rd psalm states if read forward rather that backward "The Lord is my Shepard I shall not want"

does the R.C. Church by way of subjecting their Nuns and priesthood toThe vow of poverty cast off the anointing of Christ amongst them selfs?

Since the 23rd psalm states if read forward rather that backward "The Lord is my Shepard I shall not want"
yes,,, deep, very deep. and "god" spelled backwards is "dog"
Reply:That makes no sense.





First, the Church does not "subject" anything. The vows are freely accepted by the men and women who take them.
Reply:A vow of poverty has nothing to do with the psalm. I shall not want means that God will provide even in the face of death.
Reply:OK. You need to explain that because other than being a lame attempt to slur Catholicism I do not see what the first condition has to do with the proposition, why would you try to read psalm 23 other than forwards and what is it you are trying to say about the vow of poverty?
Reply:That makes no sense to me.
Reply:First of all Nuns and Priests make their vows of their own free will. the church does not choose them, God calls them and they choose their life. The church teaches that we are all born with free will which is a gift from God. We can choose to love Him and follow Him or we can choose to turn our backs on what He calls us to do. some are called to be Nuns and Priests. besides the true Bounty of God is what He has waiting for us in Heaven. the riches of the world are not what we should desire. "I shall not Want" to me means that I have faith that God will provide for me just as the good shepard provides for his flock of sheep. And that is why Christ asked his desciples to leave their possessions and follow him to show their faith that God will provide for them and He does.
Reply:1 Timtohy 4:1-5


The Spirit clearly says that in later times some will abandon the faith and follow deceiving spirits and things taught by demons. Such teachings come through hypocritical liars, whose consciences have been seared as with a hot iron. They forbid people to marry and order them to abstain from certain foods, which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and who know the truth. For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer.
Reply:No, nuns and priests follow Christ as the Good Shepherd according to their callings to community life as in the Book of Acts and a calling to celibacy like Jesus which Jesus recommended for those "who can" in Matt19:12. Jesus who was commited to povery called some like the Rich Young Man to poverty ,simplicity of life and/or community of goods for the sake of the kingdom. Nuns and priests have the anointing of Christ and many exibit that working of grace in their lives.

Wow !! Just saw "Wicked" in London !!!?

Saw it less than a week ago in London, just bought a ticket to c it in New York for next week, can't wait 4 it 2 come 2 Philly.......Anyone else fall in love with it immeditatelly?


....or at least anyone in the cast??( like Idina Menzel!!)

Wow !! Just saw "Wicked" in London !!!?
Since my favorite movie of all time is THE WIZARD OF OZ, I was thrilled to get tickets to WICKED earlier this year. I'm from Philadelphia, but didn't want to wait until it came here. I saw it in New York !





WOW !!! IT WAS WONDERFUL !!
Reply:ho
Reply:It was amazing. I've seen it twice. Once in my hometown and once in NYC with the OBC
Reply:Wow

GH: Don't you think both Kirsten Storms and Bradford Anderson were robbed of Daytime Emmy Nominations?

They are both brilliant and super talented!





Why weren't they nominated?





As a matter of fact, what happened to GH this year? Only Anthony Geary (Luke) was nominated out of the whole freaking cast! Why did everyone else fall flat? Correct me if I'm wrong, but Luke only showed up occasionally on GH...





C'est impossible! I'm flabbergasted and disappointed.

GH: Don't you think both Kirsten Storms and Bradford Anderson were robbed of Daytime Emmy Nominations?
SPINELLI!!!! What a shame, Bradford Anderson is a really good actor! Did you see it today when he snaped out at the court hearing...it was great! It was so funny when he jumped over the railing and booked it out of the court room! As for Kirsten, she is a really good actress! She makes me hate Maxie with a passion so obviously she's good. Greg Vaughn got cheated too if he wasn't nominated...LUCKY IS AWESOME!!!
Reply:I think Kirsten Storms deserves some recognition, because she's made me love to hate and then eventually love Maxie and that's really hard to do, but not Bradford Anderson. I can't tell if he's talented or not, because his character has no depth. Maybe the material isn't doing him justice, but he definitely doesn't deserve anything for what he's done on GH so far -- and again, that's entirely the writers' fault for not giving him a chance to really show us what he can do.
Reply:Usually, the younger actors were in a category all to themselves. That would be the place for the "kids" of GH.


Also, I thought the nominations came from the other actors on the various shows. Maybe the selection process has changed.


As to Tony Geary (Luke) he only stays in this country so many months out of the year. GH works around his "vacations"..... they always have. It's probably because he has the most seniority.
Reply:You said it, sister. I can't believe they didn't get nomintated, and that GH, in general, didn't get more recognition. But Spinelli and Maxie, both, have been so good this past year. They can be funny, they can do drama, and everytime they're on my screen, I'm compelled to watch them. And, a lot of times, they are the best part of an episode. So, I really think it was a shame that they weren't recognized for their work this year. Oh well. There's always next year, right?
Reply:How can you be really surprised? The storylines have been awful. I haven't even watched in two weeks! Maurice Bernard's character has been turned into a raving lunatic! He used to be strong and in charge but he's like a cartoon now. Maxie was just slutty until her sister died and after calling out Felicia, the character went back to using people for her own gain. Spinelli is just comic relief--if you can call it that--I'm sure that gets little respect in nominations
Reply:amen sister. i think more than anyone bradford anderson deserves a nomination and win. spinelli cannot be an easy roll to pull off but he does so wonderfully. i too am very disappointed that he and kristen and several other deserving actors from gh didnt get nominated
Reply:it does seem BA missed out .... haven't seen his work but he has definitely made an impact ... Tuc W from OLTL also got passed on so ... sometimes its just as good not to be nominated for all the "outrage" it stirs up.. so they may be less likely to be ignored next time around
Reply:I do think that they and several others were robbed their new jugding system is unfair to say the least, read an answer given by Lady M. in Boutux's last question it says that they didn't even view all the footage they were given to watch....
Reply:Out of the two I watch - AMC and GH I believe there were only two nominations. David Canary and Anthony Geary. Don't think I'll even bother watching the awards in that case.
Reply:Yes they were! Bradford has been one if the best GH finds in a long time. Kirsten has made he hate, love and want to hug Maxie all in one episode at times! A lot of GH and ABC actors/actresses got robbed BIG time!
Reply:Yes they were. There are a lot of great actors on that show that deserve a nod. and I love Luke but don't think he did anything extra this past year.
Reply:Bradford should have been nominated. I can't believe Tony was the only nomination.
Reply:bradford anderson deffantally should of at least been nomanated
Reply:1000 % agree.
Reply:Both me and my mother think they were.